


My name is Anakin

by untouchable



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 14:03:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18740530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untouchable/pseuds/untouchable
Summary: “You’re a slave?” “I’m a person and my name is Anakin.”The story of a little boy who longs for freedom but doesn't get it until the day he dies.





	My name is Anakin

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2016 and posted it on tumblr but it never made its way on here until now.

He is nine years old when they tell him he’s the chosen one. They free him from slavery and for a short while Anakin Skywalker feels like a person, a real person,  _ his own person _ , for the very first time.

Years go by and things change. They say he’s chosen but they treat him like just another weapon, a  _ tool _ _ — _ just a way for Yoda and Windu and the others to bring about balance to the force. He is no longer a slave but he still has to call someone master, and sometimes Anakin thinks that being a Jedi is the greatest thing in the world, but there are times when it feels like he has never left Tatooine. 

He had thought becoming a Jedi meant being free. In a way, he was very wrong. 

* * *

 

His mother dies and Anakin is  _ wrecked _ . There is anger and hate, and a darkness he has never felt before _ — _ and then there is  _ guilt _ . Guilt at leaving his mother behind consumes him, but Obi-Wan says that he should be proud of all the good he is doing in training to be a Jedi. 

Anakin is silent during the lecture, but he violently disagrees. Who cares if he saves the galaxy if he doesn’t save the people he loves? Obi-Wan doesn’t understand that. He never has and probably never will.

“To be angry is to be human,” Padme says, but maybe Jedi are not supposed to be human.

* * *

“I can fix anything,” Anakin used to say when he was young. And he believed it. Droids and racing pods, any ship, any machine _ — _ he could fix it all. Because that’s what he does, after all. That is his destiny. It’s all he’s ever done.

But he is not a little boy any longer and nobody trusts him and nobody  _ cares _ about him, but they all still want him to  _ fix  _ things. They want him to bring balance to the force,  _ save the galaxy _ _ — _ Anakin doesn't  _ care _ about the galaxy. It has never cared very much about him. 

But he will do it, he will do anything, just to make sure Padme is safe. She is all he has.

And then, he has the nightmare, and Anakin begins to lose her too.

* * *

 

He wakes up, drenched in sweat, heart beating rapidly against his rib cage. He is shaking. He is  _ afraid _ .

Anakin lies there and thinks about his dream, about Padme, and he thinks about his mother, how he  _ failed _ her, how he’s not going to let it happen again. Because Padme, she is  _ everything _ to him, he loves her  _ so so much _ .  She’s beautiful, and she's brave and she’s strong, so much stronger than him, and she looks at him like he’s her  _ equal _ _ — _ no one in all his life has ever looked at him like that. He can't loose her.  _ He can’t.  _

Her screaming still echos in his ears and Anakin tames the urge to vomit. 

He will find a way to fix this. He  _ will _ find a way, even if he has to rip apart the sky,  _ burn the whole galaxy to the ground _ _ — _

Anakin puts his head in his hands and tries to calm down. Padme is right next to him but he feels like he’s already lost her. 

* * *

 

He thinks that he’s found a solution. He thinks that he’s going to fix things, fix  _ everything _ . It all happens more or less how Anakin wants it to, until a short time later on Mustafar when things begin to fall apart.

“I’m doing it for you!” he tells Padme, desperate, pleading. 

She is confronting him,  _ accusing _ him, but she is  _ missing the point. _ Can’t she see? Can’t she see it’s all been for her,  _ everything _ , always, since the very first moment he laid eyes on her. Can’t she see that he’s going to fix everything?

“I don’t know you anymore. Anakin,  _ you’re breaking my heart! _ ”

Her eyes are sad and her voice cracks with emotion. She looks  afraid _ — _ of him, Anakin realizes, and it's like someone has ripped out all his insides. He will never forget the look on her face. 

“I love you!” she's saying, but she’s backing away from him and his heart is in pieces in his chest.

* * *

 

“You were my brother.  _ I loved you! _ ” Obi-Wan says, voice rough and raw, eyes blazing with tears, and Anakin's heart is still in pieces in his chest.

The words of his former master ring in his ears. All Obi-Wan ever did was criticized him about forming attachments. Time and time again. It is why Anakin never told him about Padme. It is why Anakin never told him anything anymore. It is why they grew apart and are here, now, staring at each other like strangers.

“You were my brother.  _ I loved you! _ ” Obi-Wan says, and Anakin doesn't believe him.

* * *

 

The next time the two of them meet, everything is different and somehow also the same. He has been Darth Vader for almost twenty years now, but when Obi-Wan Kenobi smiles at him, for a moment he is Anakin Skywalker _ — _ young and bright and  _ alive _ . No matter how much he tries to forget, Darth Vader remembers his time with Obi-Wan _ — _ the training, the battles, the friendship. Darth Vader remembers how much he loved him, how much it hurt when Kenobi left him there to die. 

It is rage and hate and revenge that powers the final blow. The red beam of his lightsaber cuts through Obi-Wan, and Darth Vader watches as Kenobi’s body disappears into nothing. The boy _ — _ _ Luke _ _ — _ screams and something horrible swells up in his throat. 

* * *

 

Luke screams again, later, when Darth Vader cuts off his hand. The sound is still as jarring and painful. 

“Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.”

Darth Vader’s hand out is stretched out, reaching for Luke, wanting more than anything for him to take it. His son is bruised and bloody, clutching his injured arm to his chest and hanging onto the ledge for dear life. But when Luke looks up at him his face is determined, strong,  _ brave _ . For a moment, the boy looks so much like his mother that Darth Vader can’t breathe.

“He told me enough. He told me you  _ killed _ him!” Luke screams back.

“No.  _ I  _ am your father.” 

Luke lets go of the ledge and drops down, down,  _ down _ , away from him. His son is the one missing a hand, but Darth Vader feels like it is he who has lost something. 

* * *

 

When the mask finally comes off, Darth Vader blinks. It is strange, seeing things without the help of his helmet. He sees everything clearly for, maybe, the first time. Too late, of course, he’s always been just a bit too late.

The Emperor is dead and the Death Star is collapsing around them and Darth Vader tells Luke to go.

“No! You’re coming with me. I’m not leaving, I’ve got to save you!”

He looks up and Luke is staring back at him _ — _ _ his son _ is staring at him, holding him, so close and yet so far away.

Something thumps in the place where his heart used to be. It is a feeling he’d thought he’d forgotten. 

“You already have.”

“Father?” Luke says, and it is the last thing he hears.

He dies in his son’s arms, and in his last moments, Anakin Skywalker feels like a person, a real person,  _ his own person _ , for the first time in a very long while. 


End file.
